Station To Station: Music Station For March 2 Featuring Ikimono-gakari, TVXQ And Mayu Watanabe (Of AKB48)

That’s some guy dressed up as Jesus running in the Tokyo Marathon. You gotta feel for the dude dressed up as Pac-Man and Minnie Mouse who jog by early in the clip – they were probably thinking “man, I am gonna get so much attention, running in this silly outfit!” Then out comes the son of God running with a cross strapped to his back and suddenly that fifteen-dollar costume felt lame as heck.

Ikimono-gakari “会いにいくよ”

I can’t find a video or stream online…but I did listen to this song, and you aren’t missing much. It has a little more swing than the typical Ikimono-gakari slow burner, but otherwise it’s all twinkles and overly dramatic singing. This also feels like the third or fourth week in a row Ikimono-gakari has appeared in this feature, all because they have a new album out that sounds like everything else the group has released before. They sorta illustrate the malaise I feel about J-Pop…Ikimono-gakari aren’t close to being hateable, but sound so complacent it gets boring fast. Lots of other groups in Japan do this too – heck, at least AKB48’s sound is kinda confrontational.

TVXQ “Still”

Certain J-Pop fans hoist TVXQ as the Korean group “that did it the right way,” unlike those cads in KARA or Girls’ Generation who had the audacity to release older Korean songs first or, gasp, aren’t perfect at speaking Japanese. No, TVXQ “earned it” according to the comments section of sites like Seoulbeats and Tokyo Hive.

I think what these comment spewers mean is “decided to sound exactly like all the male J-Pop groups in Japan already.” Whereas Girls’ Generation, 2NE1 and even freakin’ Super Junior add clever little twists to their brand of pop that sound like holy revelation here in Japan, TVXQ pretty much just embraced the sleep-inducing style that guarantees high spots in the Oricon Charts. “Still” could have been a ballad written for any gaggle of young men hoping to star in a gum commercial, and the song does nothing to distinguish TVXQ from the pack. Which is exactly what they want. If this is doing it the right way, fuck the right way.

TOKIO “羽田空港の奇跡”

WATCH HERE

So how about that TOKIO song with a title I don’t feel like translating at the moment? It is bad, and sounds like the dumbest butt rock.

Know what isn’t butt rock? Madegg, the super-productive producer from Kyoto! He releases so much new music I mere mortal like myself can’t write about each new SoundCloud upload. His newest offering is the bell-filled “How Far Can This Boat Go Out To Sea In Miles” which imitates the very best parts of Gold Panda and adds Madegg’s personal touches. Great song, listen below.

Masaharu Fukuyama “Ikiteru Ikiteku”

Based on the little intro before the song, I think this song will appear in the forthcoming Doraemon movie, in which Asia’s favorite robotic feline travels to some time in the past like he does in every Doraemon movie (and it’s unironically great, I like Doraemon). Given this context, it’s tough to hate Masaharu Fukuyama’s bouncy, silly song “Ikiteru Ikiteku.” Even the title sounds like the punchline to some joke, and that’s before it gets surrounded by horn burps and the cheese-covered guitar. This sounds like the sort of animated-parade music you would expect to appear in a movie aimed at kids. It does its job well.

Even then – compared to the above, non-Madegg songs, this is still miles better because it at least sounds fun! Sure, Wiggles-approved fun, but better than break-n-bake ballads or Johnny’s rock. Sometimes, kids know what’s up.

Mayu Watanabe “Synchro Tokimeki”

Do a YouTube search for “Mayu Watanabe” and the very first video that pops up is a photo tribute to the AKB48 member soundtracked by Massive Attack’s “Teardrop.” The Internet, everybody.

So her actual song is basically just an AKB48 song with one critical difference – it is only her singing instead of an army of voices storming my ears. Surprisingly, this actually makes a huge difference in quality – this single still isn’t anything to really celebrate in anyway and still features all the musical touches that make me try to avoid Akihabara, but at least I’m not being barraged by voices. This is less annoying than musk AKB songs, and for that I salute you Ms. Watanabe.

Winner Of The Week – The Doraemon song.

Station To Station: Music Station For February 24 Featuring Bonnie Pink, Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi And Ikimono-Gakari

Reminder to check out One Week, One Band as my stint writing about Perfume draws to a close. Also, a reminder that I am focusing on that project this week and am just gonna blaze through this feature.

Ikimono-gakari “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

WATCH HERE

Click the above link, and check out the bizarre voting method that site utilizes. Users rated “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” as 54 percent “happy,” 31 percent “happy” and 15 percent “relaxing.” They are sorta right…compared to the usual ballad dregs these three usually drag us down to on a monthly basis, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” really is upbeat, albeit in an annoying way come the chorus (“chu chu chu chu”). It sometimes pushes into goofier territory…the horns might be a little much…but at least this song tries to have fun (how come nobody voted for that?), which is something Ikimono-gakari tend to ignore. I am 78 percent surprised.

三代目 J Soul Brothers “Go My Way”

I really wanted to make a snarky one liner about this song (“Go My Way?” More like go away, am I right?) but J Soul Brothers’ latest isn’t bad enough to warrant such bad jokes. The opening makes it seem like “Go My Way” is going to be overblown, but when the song proper starts it’s actually a surprisingly catchy bit of twinkly pop. J Soul Brothers show their softer side, which is a lot better than the last time we saw them, beating the shit out of everything.

Dream Morning Musume, Special Medley

Smart marketing right here – the super-popular precursor to AKB48, Morning Musume dominated the late 90’s J-Pop scene. Yet all things have to come to an end, and Morning Musume brok…huh, no they didn’t? They are still going? Geez. Like AKB, Musume constantly changes members to the point they might as well be an NFL offensive line. Dream Morning Musume is, as the name hints at, a dream team of former Morning Musume members back together again to perform for whoever wants to see a mish-mash of Musume. It’s a clever idea to get some bucks out of an old idea…new thoughts, who needs them…but not clever enough to get me to listen to any of their music.

Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi “Hitotsu”

Seems like Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi has done a lot of charity work and appearances for the areas affected by last year’s natural disasters…so I am going to take a mulligan on judging the actual song. That said, the harmonica at the end is pretty rad.

Hey! Say! JUMP “Super Delicate”

So how about that “Super Delicate?” It is bad.

Know what isn’t bad? Super VHS’ “Remember The Night,” which also has a really good video that simply uses footage from a cartoon about a penguin. The way Super VHS sequences, though, matches quite well…and makes me think the poor penguin is having an existential crisis.

Bonnie Pink “冷たい雨”

WATCH HERE

This is the first time I’ve ever listened to Bonnie Pink. A few good ideas and generally catchy, but also not leaving much of an impression. Meh.

Winner Of The Week – J Soul Brothers, bet you didn’t see that coming.

Station To Station: Music Station For February 17 2012 Featuring AKB48, The Bawdies And V6

No time for intros, let us get into this.

AKB48 “Give Me Five!”

WATCH A 34-MINUTE VIDEO HERE (OR SKIP TO 26:31 FOR THE SONG)

At long last AKB48 have done what once seemed impossible – they have contributed something good to the music world. This “Give Me Five!” stands as the group’s best single to date and their most important addition to musical discourse ever. The actual sound of “Give Me Five!” isn’t the reason for this of course – the actual sonic experience of “Give Me Five!” isn’t much different from the usual audio candy caning the group inflicts on the world, all dumb horn blasts and guitar chugging. No, this single stands as AKB’s crowning achievement to date because it serves as the ultimate counterpoint to any “authenticity in music” debate, a pop Golden Gun capable of killing stupid conversation in its tracks.

Lots of people complain about how music today “isn’t authentic,” how it isn’t like “the good ol’ days” which is code for an era of (mostly white) rock ‘n’ roll bands, how everything today “is manufactured” or how performers “aren’t really artists” mannnnnn. This was on full display during last weekend’s Grammy Awards when people took to Twitter and other online commenting alleys and harped about how bad music today, what with its Exorcist-themed numbers and Bonny Bears. Despite featuring appearances by the likes of Paul McCartney and the Beach Boys, this year’s award show – not to mention the recent Super Bowl halftime show – served as another convenient excuse for those who cream themselves at the site of a factory-faded Rolling Stones’ t-shirt at Target to complain about “music today.”

Yet here’s the ultimate counterpoint. The marketing and music video for AKB48’s latest focuses on the members holding guitars and playing the drums and being a band, to the extent that you could get free AKB guitar picks at JR Shinjuku station. Note the word “marketing” – that is what this is, a shrewd move by the string-pullers above the band to simultaneously give super fans the equivalent of a new action figure while also trying to win over naysayers via “authenticity.” I’ve already seen people on Twitter saying “at least they are trying to play guitar now,” ignoring the fact the noises coming out of my speakers sounds as putrid as ever.

So next time somebody tells you rap isn’t real music or whines about how computers aren’t bass guitars, point them to “Give Me Five!,” a lovely reminder that music is entertainment and always has been no matter what instrument (or lack of) the person held. Then remember the actual music should be the only aspect of a song or album focused on, which is why this single blows. Then listen to Perfume or something.

The Bawdies “Rock Me Baby

THE BAWDIES – ROCK ME BABY PV (FULL) from Masa on Vimeo.

Funny that following the above rant, The Bawdies end up being the next band featured. They also reinforce the above point pretty well – The Bawdies aren’t good just because they look the part of a bygone era of rock music, all guitar pop and matching suits. They are a decent group because they make good songs using 50’s and 60’s rock as a guide. If one is to level a complaint at The Bawdies, is that they sometimes rely on this blueprint too much – “Rock Me Baby” sounds like practically every other single they’ve released before and, though that isn’t a bad thing (they do this act pretty well!), everything they put out is starting to blur together. Still, a nice slice of throwback rock. Ultimately, your opinion of The Bawdies will probably be shaped by the lead howling – I like it, but plenty of folks don’t.

Naoto Inti Raymi “君に逢いたかった”

UGGGGGGGGGH this guys is from Mie Prefecture, where I used to live. Shame that lovely country area has to be saddled with someone responsible for such glimmering dreck as the above song. I won’t allow it though! Here are some famous people from Mie who are cool in my book:

– Matsuo Bashō, dude wrote haikus!
– Ranpo Edogawa, this guy wrote lots of mystery stories!
– Yasujirō Ozu, one of Japan’s greatest directors! He made Tokyo Story which is an amazing work of cinema.
– Nishino Kana! I like her!
– Jesse Ruins, originally from Mie! Pop-Office too, I think.
– Uhhhh ninjas?

FUNKY MONKEY BABYS “この世界に生まれたわけ”

WATCH HERE

FUNKY MONKEY BABYS are complete hucksters, the J-Pop equivalent of the politician who tells folksy stories to distract from the fact they are blowing up Middle Eastern villages. Nearly every song the release comes sparkled in unflappable optimism, all twinkling sounds and triumphant choruses. The accompanying music videos focus on upbeat life moments, like playing with your kids or getting married. The world of FUNKY MONKEY BABYS is one giant ice cream cake with a Hallmark card on top. They are grating every single time. I’ve said it before but I reiterate – for all their faults, I would much rather listen to AKB48 than FUNKY MONKEY BABYS.

V6 “Bari Bari Buddy!”

So, how about that “Bari Bari Buddy!”? It is bad.

Know what isn’t bad? Rayons! Especially when Predawn tackles the vocals – then they are downright beautiful, like on the gorgeous “Halfway.” Chilly minimalism leading to a flower-breaking-through-the-snow climax. Listen below.

Winner Of The Week – The Bawdies

Station To Station: Music Station For February 10, 2012 Featuring Miwa, YUKI And Porno Graffitti

Apologies, I couldn’t think of a relevant/wacky photo to put at the top of this week’s edition. Based on the lineup facing us this week, I was leaning towards some sort of terrified face or a video of Hank Hill screaming “bwahhhh” on loop. Instead, we go with the boring option.

Hey! Say! JUMP “Super Delicate”

Nearly every week, some Johnny’s group occupies at least one spot on this feature and I am forced to become a typing loop. Save for the rare instance where one of these outfits stumble across something OK to listen, I usually spend my time talking about how terrible KAT-TUN or Kanjani8 or Sexy Zone or whatever the hell else collection of relatively non-threatening males the Johnny’s folks assembled this year. I am more than a broken record at this point – I am record who has had multiple hammers smashed onto its surface before having a jug of gasoline poured on it and being lit ablaze.

Which is why, starting with this bad Hey! Say! JUMP song with a ridiculous name (“Super Delicate” sums up this group pretty well, though), I am instituting a new rule to Station To Station: unless the Johnny’s act in question this week has a good song or is doing something interesting or is newsworthy, I will simply write “this is bad” and then share one Japanese artists who isn’t bad because there are only so many ways to say “this company blows>.” Plus, maybe some stray SMAP fans will stumble across the post, click the music I provide and be won over!

So, how about that “Super Delicate?” This is bad.

Know what isn’t bad? The new Psychic Feelings EP from Occult You, which dropped for free two days ago and has been rocking my world ever since. Get it here.

Porno Graffitti “2012 Spark”

The obnoxious intro hints at a possible switch-up in sound for Porno Graffitti, but then that big chuggin’ guitar rips in and everything is back to normal with these guys. The verses have a nice sway to them, but the chorus is typical overblown J-Rock fare. Porno Graffitti aren’t even content with that decadence – they add a string section to the song later, and it’s so ridiculous it almost comes back around to being good. Almost.

Miwa “Kataomoi”

Miwa’s sudden rise to the top of the Oricon charts last year made for a great story when combined with her back story. Cliffnotes version – schoolgirl works part-time jobs to save up enough scratch to buy a guitar, even though her school doesn’t allow them. She does this anyway and at the age of 20 she releases a debut album that makes history by reaching the pinnacle of the charts, making Miwa the first Heisei-born singer to do that. In 2011, she was the underdog even jerks like me could root for because her first album had a handful of good songs.

Now in 2012 she’s not a Cinderella story, but rather firmly entrenched in the world of J-Pop, so now her story can’t score brownie points. New single “Kataomoi” translates to “Unrequited Love” and I am pretty sure it states in the Japanese constitution that J-Pop songs with melancholy titles have to be ballads full of Disney-apeing sparkle sounds. Miwa actually starts OK, the first verse being a relatively sparse (well, until the violin creeps in) build that leads to a nice pre-chorus vocal flex. Then come the sparkles, which signal this is about to enter bad territory. And it does, but Miwa pulls a nifty trick near the end of the chorus, suddenly raising her voice up for a couple lines in a way that I didn’t see coming and was surprised how much I liked. From there, it’s pretty standard balladry…and like most mainstream ballads in Japan, one that goes on too long…but Miwa does just enough to avoid being a bore. She’s not quite as plucky now, but I am still rooting for her.

YUKI “Joy”

YUKI put out a best of album recently, which explains why she’s appearing on Music Station for the second-straight week to perform an old song. “Joy” takes us back to the year 2005, though it sounds a lot like 2007 single “Wonder Line” which popped up last week. Not a bad thing – both songs are skippy numbers that aren’t terribly complex but catchy without ever being grating.

L’Arc～en～Ciel Special Medley

Ehhhhh not this week.

Winner Of The Week – Miwa.

Station To Station: Music Station For February 3 Featuring Avril Lavigne, Chatmonchy And YUKI

This week has been all “Lana Del Rey this” and “Lana Del Rey that” and really great reviews about her new album that make you excited for the critics to write about albums they actually like. Frankly, I am sick of having to hear anything else about this album. Why don’t we turn our sights to another Western artist who once dominated conversations about “authenticity” and is pretty much unloved by most writers nowadays?

Avril Lavigne “Smile”

Avril Lavigne! Despite slipping to a position well below her “S8ter Boi” days in the West, she’s still one of the biggest Western acts in Japan today for reasons I am still not entirely sure about. “Smile” finds Lavigne continuing to show off her new found “edgy freedom” persona introduced on “Girlfriend” – the opening line of this single is “you know that I’m a crazy bitch/I do what I want when I feel like it.” Plus she says swears! Yet despite all this 3D-Doritos cool (and, uhhhh, a line maybe about date rape? Yikes), “Smile” is a “look at me now” anthem pointed at, presumably, an ex-lover in the mold of…Lily Allen’s “Smile.” Which, uh oh, Lavigne actually does sort of bite with the lyrical content and big bright chorus, though Allen’s breakthrough is way better than this mall-punk middle finger. “What The Hell” and best-Avril-song-EVER “Girlfriend” embraced this wicked new side and felt fun…”Smile” feels a little too uplifting. Lavigne can pull off bratty wildness which, despite her best efforts, just isn’t here.

Ayaka “Hajimari no Toki”

You know, Ayaka does OK at first. The verses are minimal enough, almost chilly in the space they provide. Her voice gets a chance to stand out, and it sounds great. Then the chorus comes around and the strings shoot up predictably, “Hajimari no Toki” turning into a standard J-Pop ballad with all the trimmings. Ayaka almost hit on a good ballad, but gave into pressure and thus we are left with this.

A.B.C.-Z “Za ABC～5stars～”

A little sniffing around the Internet reveals two facts about this group that make me feel comfortable in moving right along and ignoring them. First, they are a Johnny’s Jr. group, meaning they aren’t even a full-fledged act on the Johnny’s label but just a gaggle of pop urchins making music that sounds exactly like NYC or Sexy Zone or [insert your punchline here]. Second, the title of this “song” (if it even is one) is also the title of a DVD they recently released, which makes me think this is either a medley or an extended trailer. For all of our souls, let us hope it is the second.

Chatmonchy “満月に吠えろ”

This week’s winner was probably a foregone conclusion, because compared to Avril Lavigne and some teenager-full Johnny’s group, Chatmonchy can’t really be stopped. They are about as solid as a J-Rock band capable of topping the Oricon Charts can be – they don’t do anything amazing, but they also sound better than the majority of goofy groups playing guitars you see in stores. “満月に吠えろ” bounces ahead on straight-ahead guitar playing and uncomplicated drum pounding, yet the duo do enough to spice up this single, mostly through good vocal touches like the shouts in the background. Plus, that chorus is the sort of short-but-sweet business that is hard not to bob along with. Here’s a J-Rock group I would be perfectly happy with sticking around and popping up on TV every once in awhile to remind me “hey, these two are still pretty good!”

YUKI “Wonder Line”

Sales for YUKI’s music have been trending downwards over the past few years, her singles and albums still selling pretty well but a far cry from what the former Judy And Mary member used to be able to push in the mid Oughts. Which might explain why she’s wheeling out 2007 single “Wonder Line” for this week’s Music Station – faced with an (inevitable) decline, YUKI’s management attempts to remind people of how much they used to like her by showing them this song they might have listened to a few years ago.

Not a terrible strategy, since “Wonder Line” is a bouncy bit of pop that allows YUKI to show off her vocal ability. It’s a catchy song that easily could have been turned into a sappy ballad with a little tinkering – the string section is already in place – but someone said “screw it” and just went with a nice (not amazing) pop number. Never too soon to look back at 2007, right?

Winner Of The Week – Chatmonchy

Station To Station: Music Station For January 27 Featuring Kim Hyun Joong, SKE48 And JUJU

Oh sweet, sweet justice. I came to Japan in the summer of 2009, and only a few months later Kentucky Fried Chicken rolled out the Double Down, a fast-food sandwich also accurately described as the moment Western culture peaked. KFC replaced the bread in a sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken, a genius/mortifying idea packed with sodium. And I missed it! For two years I have had to listen to my brother talk about how delicious/gross these things are, and I have just been (uhhh) eating healthy. That all changes next week, when the Double Down…renamed the “Chicken Fillet Double” for Japan…debuts! Have mercy on my innards, for they are about to be ruined. Speaking of things that can ruin your week…

Ayaka “Hello”

…man, do I not like those lunch pack things featured in the above commercial, which also include a snippet of Ayaka’s new song “Hello.” OK, I kinda like the strawberry ones. I am spending so much time yapping about food because the 15 seconds you hear above are all I can find of this song, and the teeny bit I have heard sounds completely uneventful and boring to write about. Not to mention, ya know, only 15 seconds which isn’t enough to judge. So yeah…don’t buy those lunch packs.

SKE48 “Kataomoi Finally”

WATCH FULL VIDEO HERE, TRAILER BELOW

Despite the stranglehold AKB48 holds on the Japanese music landscape, the non-Akihabara groups in the AKB family rarely appear on Music Station despite boasting pretty strong sales. It is surprising because they sound exactly like AKB48, new single “Kataomoi Finally” reminiscent of oh-so-may songs featuring a group boasting the number “48” at the end of their name. It’s exactly what you would expect SKE48 to make – draw a musical opinion from there.

What is fascinating about this song is actually the accompanying music video, a five-minute clip which you can get the gist of in the trailer above. What’s intriguing is the video revolves around a potentially off-putting subject for the J-Pop mainstream – homosexuality, and not the “tee hee aren’t we cute rubbing noses against one another” of AKB48’s “Heavy Rotation.” Bizarrely enough, SKE48 could have been in a position to star in a video dealing with an interesting societal problem (the way teenage sexuality is viewed, and how homosexuality is an issue still pretty hush-hush in Japan). Maybe when Yasushi Akimoto says he understands the lives of teenage girls he might be right?

Then you remember the group in question and you realize it is most likely a cheap marketing ploy to excite the otaku side of SKE’s fan base, the “Kataomoi Finally” clip less social commentary and more of an excuse to fulfill some nerd’s dream of seeing girls dressed as schoolgirls kissing. Coupled with the fact the main lesbian character appears to be the “villain” of the video (real progressive!), this is just more provocative marketing from a dude who really gets his audience.

Kim Hyun Joong “Kiss Kiss”

You remember that viral video that showed some folks’ wedding entrance, and it was full of wack-a-doodle dancing all soundtracked by Chris Brown’s “Forever” because this was before Chris Brown decided to beat the shit out of beloved pop star Rhianna? Yeah, this one? “Kiss Kiss” would work wonderfully in the Korean/Japanese version of that video, Kim Hyun Joong sounding an awful (in every sense of the word) lot like Chris Brown.

Look, I am all for K-Pop artists taking inspiration from Western audiences…miles better than the eternal loop J-Pop sometimes feels caught in…but choose wisely! Chris Brown’s sentimental junk isn’t worth copying.

JUJU “Sign”

JUJU can work when she steps away from the cement-shoe format that is the J-Pop ballad – even when she tries covering old jazz numbers, she comes off as interesting and at least capable of something very few others in the mainstream scene today can do. Unfortunately, she rarely seems able to get away from the ballad, forced to wear it around her neck for all of time. “Sign” is more of the same, a plodding trudge through every sound you have come to expect in one of these songs. Poor JUJU.

TOKIO “羽田空港の奇跡”

Terrible audio quality, sure, but this is TOKIO we are talking about. The chorus is kinda peppy in that Johnny’s sanctioned sort of way, but everything else is pretty much boring autopilot.

Winner Of The Week – Ayaka for doing the least damage. Or maybe the Double Down, that thing rules too.

Station To Station: Music Station For January 20, 2012 Featuring Tokyo Jihen, BIGBANG And Jun Sky Walker(s)

First Station To Station of 2012, rejoice rejoice! Been a long time since we have journeyed into this sketchy sonic territory, but Music Station doesn’t disappoint this week, giving us a surprisingly wide variety of J-Pop (and K-Pop!) to sample and eventually stick our tongues out at. Let’s get the rust off.

Ikimono-gakari “いつだって僕らは”

Moment of honesty – I am not remotely pumped for mainstream Japanese music in 2012. Blame this on a budding obsession with K-Pop which, though littered with duds, even sounds interesting in total flaming wreckage mode. Oh, and the Japanese “indie” (used sorta loosely here) scene, which seems poised to be really exciting this year. J-Pop, though…not exactly filling me with much hope, just more images of people shoveling coal into a furnace on loop. Funny, because last year actually saw some really good mainstream stuff in the form of Kaela Kimura, Perfume and Sakanaction just to name a few. Nothing -and, yeah, only being January plays a part, who knows what will come out – gets me giddy the way even a dumb looking Wonder Girls movie does.

This new single from Ikimono-gakari does nothing but making me feel gloomier about J-Pop in 2012. The opening knocks off the same intro used in at least eight Arashi songs – not the best inspirational jumping off point in the first place – before diving into an inoffensive but also uninteresting bit of chirpy pop that confirms Ikimono-gakari only exist in two modes – happy-bouncy version and sad-but-accepting-of-it version. This wouldn’t be so disheartening if it weren’t for the group behind it – Ikimono-gakari have morphed into a sales juggernaut, their last 16 singles all peaking somewhere in the top ten of the Oricon charts, meaning this one will probably perform similarly and the album it comes off of will most likely debut at the top spot. Which means more groups trying to sound like this which means more bland bland bland pop. This isn’t remotely surprising, but still pretty weak.

Jun Sky Walker(s) “Start”

Why does the “s” have to be in parenthesis? Were they not sure how many people were in the band?

Jun Sky Walker(s) are a rock band that formed in 1986 and saw relative success up until their breakup in 1997. Now, they are back! The music of “Start” is pretty harmless, just some safe guitar playing that at least has a little bite to it, even if it comes via baby teeth. But oh man the lead singer’s voice, ruins everything. He has this weird warble that comes out when he’s trying to sound dramatic – which, turns out, is a lot – and just in general sounds like he’s forcing himself a bit. Maybe you had to be around the first time?

Sexy Zone Special Medley

If that isn’t one of the worst combination of words in any language, I don’t want to be on this planet anymore.

Tokyo Jihen Medley

The big news in the Japanese music world this week was the announcement that Tokyo Jihen would be calling it a day following the release of one more album and a small farewell tour in February. This development has been met with sadness (but acceptance) from fans and snark from others, Ringo Shiina’s band clearly hitting a lot of emotions over their nine-year career. I have to cop, though, that I actually am not as well versed in Tokyo Jihen as I probably should be. I really liked 2010’s Sports and the singles leading up to and following that album have all sounded, at worst, “good” to me, but I haven’t dug into their back catalog all that much, checking out singles here and there but nothing extensive. Which blows now, seeing as they are going away. So, instead of writing a big sappy tribute in this spot now, I’m probably going to start working my way through their history and probably write something later. Consider this a rain check.

BIGBANG “Tonight”

One of the more persistent shots fired at K-Pop is that it’s just an imitation of Western pop, the Korean music industry doing nothing originally and just borrowing ideas from America for their artists. This is a very dumb argument – nothing on American radio sounds like “Bubble Pop!” or “Be My Baby” or “Gee.” Even something like 2NE1’s “I Am The Best,” which does take cues from maximalist Western pop, blows everything up to a level nobody in America is doing. It’s a dumb claim most of the time, but not in the case of BIGBANG’s “Tonight,” which bites from the club-inspired European sound that has been a staple of the American charts for the last two years. Think Black Eyed Peas, or maybe “We Found Love,” and you will have an idea of how “Tonight” sounds.

Which isn’t a bad thing either, regardless of what some dipsticks think! BIGBANG get a slightly unfair push as “Tonight” sounds miles better than any of the Japanese music above – which, I admit, was two songs and the memory of Sexy Zone – but the club-oriented sound hasn’t pummeled Japanese pop into submission like it has in other places, so this feels like fresh breath to me.

Winner Of The Week – BIGBANG

Station To Station: Music Station For Debember 9 Featuring AKB48, Kis-My-Ft2 And SMAP

If you follow our Twitter (which you should!) or our recently minted Tumblr (which you should!), you have probably seen the above video. It’s basically propaganda for Korean food…with a song by great K-Pop group Wonder Girls. I don’t believe in “guilty pleasures” but I feel a twinge of shame admitting “K-Food Party” is the song I’ve listened to the most in the past week, considering it is an ad for kimchi (which is delicious!). If nothing else, please jump to the 2:33 mark to hear the rapping member of Wonder Girls just make the clip with the following:

1. the way she raises her eyebrows when she sings “I gots to eat good.”

2. “I’m K-swaggin’ it,” doomed to be the words I get engraved on my back in Comic Sans when I decide to get a drunken tattoo.

3. the implication I am some how angry at K-Food. I love it, I love it!

I fear none of the following Japanese pop songs will wow me the same way this apple-filled tune did.

AKB48 “上からマリコ”

GO HERE FOR LIKE FOUR DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF THE STUPID LONG VIDEO

Member Shinoda Mariko won the rights to be the main attraction of this, AKB48’s 24th single, by winning the group’s annual rock-paper-scissors tournament a few months ago. This storyline…look her name is in the title, and she plays the role of giantess on the cover art…conveniently distracts from the fact that the actual music sounds virtually the same as the music that appeared on most of the 23 previous singles, complete with gratuitous guitar solo. By now, it has been well established the actual music of AKB48 plays but one role in their success, the draw of individual members and their storylines (see, Mariko’s run to get to this point) doing just as much.

All that said…I kinda like the actual video for this song. I wish I had the HTML skills to make the font for that sentence really small but…I kinda enjoyed the story (basically, the group’s rock-paper-scissors tournament played out in a high school) and even the portion featuring the song was fun in a ridiculous way. I’ve reached the point where the insanity of AKB48 makes these clips kinda fun – like, how the shots during the actual tournament go from these sorta dramatic matches (featuring members of the group dressed as…nuns?) to them dancing around like idiots. Next time you see me, smack me in the jaw.

Kis-My-Ft2 “We Never Give Up”

Ahhhhhh, the ol’ Johnny’s tease strikes again. After a corny DRAMATIC GUITAR opening, Kis-My-Ft2’s latest properly starts up and…sounds pretty good??? Yep – the group’s all-together-now singing actually works over a really bare backdrop, the chanting of the chorus being kind of silly but in a surprisingly listenable way. Then come the dollar-bin techno flourishes and for a bit, Kis-My-Ft2 stay on the path. Then the stomping and shouting go away and it turns into typical Johnny’s pulp, this time stabbed with the sort of sounds you hear in all those European music videos featuring a CGI animals singing kids songs. Like this piece of work. The chorus still works better than the verses, but the recycle bin electronics hurt it. The best song I have ever heard these guys do, but not exactly worthy of much beyond this paragraph.

SMAP “僕の半分”

Another Johnny’s song that doesn’t sound like typical Johnny’s crap, but whereas Kis-My-Ft2 teased with something potentially interesting, SMAP just deliver this rudderless acoustic joint. Other than watching members of SMAP dancing awkwardly in the above clip, there is really nothing of interest…either to love or hate…present here. Just an archaic pop group doing what they do.

Emi Takei “恋スルキモチ”

Only a short clip above, but the ballad-like nature leads me to believe this isn’t a bad thing. Only thing worth noting – Emi Takei sounds vaguely like the lead singer of the really great band Asobi Seksu, a factoid that makes me want to listen to Asobi Seksu! Instead of the above video, go listen to their song “Perfectly Crystal,” one of my favorite tracks of the year. Dreamy but never languid!

Flumpool “Present”

Yawn, did you know you can take the letters in Flumpool and rearrange them to spell “Lump Fool?” It’s true! That’s how I feel.

Because that song left so much to be desired, let’s hand out an award for the year, this one for the best performance on Music Station. It’s a landslide win for Sakanaction, who made their first appearance on the show count courtesy of this performance. I love how electronic it is. Needless to say, not the bit of praise I’m going to throw this band’s way this month.

BoA “Milestone”

The original Korean crossover into Japan, BoA now exists in this weird limbo as the new Korean wave sweeps over Japan. Her sound, for the most part, has always seemed more in line with what J-Pop is all about – a lot of ballads with a few curveballs thrown in for added measure. The latest crop of K-Poppers, at least initially, played by their own rules and introduced the sounds they used to wow their native country to Japan. Now, BoA “returns” with a single that doesn’t find her trying to imitate any of Korea’s new generation…no mid-verse rapping, no Diplo-inspired beats…but rather sticking to what she knows. “Milestone” is a ballad, but a surprisingly good one because of her decision to stick to minimalist sounds, at least early on. It’s just her and some simple piano, a lonely sound that works well with her hushed singing. The chorus adds some cliche strings, turning “Milestone” into a bland workout for a bit, but she quickly revisits the starkness. It’s flawed, but overall “Milestone” is a good bit of simplicity from BoA.

Winner Of The Week – BoA

Station To Station: Music Station For December 2, 2011 Featuring Perfume, KAT-TUN And Koda Kumi

December already? Well, let’s make the remaining bits of 2011 count by…listening to J-Pop together.

KAT-TUN “BIRTH”

KAT-TUN seemed quiet for a while, yeah? Well, here they are again with something called “BIRTH” which an astute person would assume signals a change in style, a fresh start, an escape from the womb-like chambers of Johnny’s typical sounds. Being KAT-TUN, they botch the delivery. This group’s schtick has become something like this:

1. Tease a musical switch away from the typical pop slop Johnny’s specializes, maybe with a new keyboard or a guitar or something.
2. Have KAT-TUN start singing.
3. Erase whatever hopes point one fostered.

“BIRTH” starts with radio scramble and some low-key guitar and for a second you go “OK OK maybe they got something here!” Then KAT-TUN belt out that all-together now tripe and away we go, reaching for the eraser and shaking our heads for being suckered in again for several seconds. On the plus side, someone posted lyrics translations as the YouTube description! Here is my favorite part.

Light and shadow, it’s fate
I was born, a birth of sorrow
Even if I fall, I’ll get back up
In this never-ending world

Man, have you ever thought like, when we die, the world keeps on turning. Dude.

Koda Kumi “Love Me Back”

No can do, Ms. Kumi.

三代目J Soul Brothers “FIGHTERS”

In Cool As Ice, whack rapper Vanilla Ice plays the role of a James-Dean-like motorcyclist who wears hideous early 90’s clothes and says just the stupidest lines possible (a collection here, highlighted by Vanilla Ice saying “lose the zero, get with the hero”). At one point, a group of yuppie thugs terrorize one of Ice’s homeboy’s bike, leading to a dramatic fight scene (“HOMEBOY THIS”). What follows is Vanilla fucking Ice beating up four baseball-bat-wielding no goodknicks like he’s Bruce Lee. It is one of the most mind-shattering scenes in cinematic history, and a gross miscalculation of what Vanilla Ice was capable of as a…well, anything.

The video for 三代目 J Soul Brothers’ “FIGHTERS,” although not part of a feature film starring them as bike-ridin’ bad boys, treads similar ground, here placing the members of the EXILE-related group into some sort of grungy warehouse to fight dozens of extras wondering why they got into acting in the first place. Simultaneously a chance to show men how tough J Soul Brothers are (“look at ’em beat up dudes with a lead pipe, radical!”) and an opportunity to lure in female fans with the promise of six-pack abs, this brief clip finds the dudes beating the everlasting shit out of people, stopping only to mug for the camera or fist-bump one another. The “FIGHTERS” video does not take place within our world, as the constraints of physics are not present. Every punch, kick, roundhouse kick and synchronized dance kick connects like Megatron’s robo fists, shooting people through the air and knocking over gates. The actual music here does not matter, the only worthwhile commentary I can provide being “the dude who raps sounds like he might have a lung condition, check that out man!” The final scene finds the eight members of J Soul Brothers standing tall amongst a field of beaten-down bodies, until the last scene where a new wave of extras rush in and the members of the group get the stupidest grins on their faces. “Yes, more people to destroy, for we are J Soul Brothers, guys who sing about love and stuff, destroyers of worlds.”

Somewhere, a tear rolls down Vanilla Ice’s face. “I did it, I inspired those homeboys,” he says. He then goes back to planning his 2012 appearance at the Gathering Of The Juggalos.

JUJU “Lullaby Of Birdland

JUJU gives a relatively straightforward interpretation of the 1952 favorite “Lullaby Of Birdland,” a song sung by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan and Amy Winehouse. It’s jazzy and standard-ish and a nice break from most of the music appearing in this feature so personally I am pretty happy to hear this. Along with Shiina Ringo’s Disney-esque “Carnation,” this signals a recent retro rush by J-Pop stars. I am OK with this, at least for now!

Of course, my opinion comes with the huge caveat that I am a pretty basic jazz fan…in other words, I listen to Miles Davis’ Kind Of Blue and am like “this is very…good.” Jazz fans seem to hate this song in the comments (at least some) so hey, if you love jazz please tell me how JUJU is messing this up, I am curious!

Perfume JPN

So this week, Perfume performs a special medley, most likely of JPN songs in order to promote that fresh release. In that case, I am going to share my initial thoughts on JPN, an album that has actually been a bit divisive based on my (limited) Twitter observations. So far, I’ve listened to the whole thing four times, so these are all super early opinions.

– Overall…this is a very good album! Though, I probably could have told you that the moment the tracklist became available. Just click the “Perfume” tag at the bottom of this page and look over all the entries for the trio’s 2010/2011 singles – I mostly rave about them, and considering that almost everyone appears on JPN, this sorta was destined to be at the very least a great package collecting all the great stuff they’ve pumped out over the past two years.

– That said, I also feel slightly disappointed by JPN…because I hyped this album up way too much in my head. Blame that on “Glitter” and “Spice,” the most recent Perfume singles that stand among the best work the crew has ever done. The other completely new tracks, though, fail to match up with those two, ranging from “terrible” to “really really good.” Part of me thought this could be an album of the year contender and Perfume’s best if they really hit it out of the park. It’s not that good, initially looking like a release capable of landing on my personal year-end list (though, again, early) and probably a little better than Triangle.

– I’m really interested in what the criticism of JPN will be. Developing trend – I think people who really like Capsule’s World Of Fantasy won’t like JPN, because the latter plays it pop safe while the other one comes off as more “daring.” Personally, I don’t like World Of Fantasy much (actually, nearly at all) and love the pop-tastic production found on Perfume albums way more.

– “Spice” is the fucking jam. It initially comes off as real effortless, but listen closely and you discover all sorts of small details that make the whole thing even better. My favorite touch – the Space Invaders bloops deep in the mix, reminds me of The Avalanches.

Again, only four listens through, so expect more in the near future.

ゆず “翔”

The one complaint about JPN I won’t take seriously is that it sounds “like everything else.” Nope, nothing on that album sounds like this damp diaper of a song.

Winner Of The Week – JUJU, because I can’t pick an album.

Station To Station: Music Station For November 18 Featuring Sexy Zone, FUNKY MONKEY BABYS And Porno Graffitti

The world’s most expensive photograph, ya’ll. Over the past week I’ve seen a bunch of people guffawing at the price (completely fair) and buzzing off about how this isn’t art but rather a glorified Polaroid snap (wrong!). It’s a very pretty shot that also came in a pretty huge size, and seeing people be all “hurrrr I could have taken that with ma’ point and click” been sort of frustrating. It smacks of the same authenticity argument people make with music – that sounds made with “real” instruments (read: nothing more electronic than a guitar and MAYBE a keyboard) by “real” musicians deserve more praise than stuff put out by, say, pop stars and rappers (“hurrrr I could talk over a beat”). Which is really stupid, and same goes for calling “Rhein II” “just a photo.” It’s art, albeit art not remotely worth several houses.

aiko “ずっと”

HEAR A TERRIBLE QUALITY VERSION HERE

Hmmmm, no good rip or video for this one. Off to a great start, yeah? If the above version…which might have been recorded on Mario Paint…holds any truth to it, this is probably an uninteresting ballad. Time will reveal all though.

Ikimono-Gakari “歩いていこう”

LISTEN HERE

The only way I would describe Ikimono-Gakari’s music as cinematic is in reference to the piddling, dentist tunes they play before the “coming attractions” segment fires up. The trio’s latest apparently appears in a movie based on the video in the above link, that or Ikimono-Gakari made a really elaborate video. Ultimately, it’s pretty telling that the above clip pushes dialogue from the film over the actual song, as if everyone involved the only reason this song exists is so it can be spliced into a ten-second version awaiting commercial use. Like most Ikimono-Gakari singles before it, this one flirts with good stuff – in particular, Kiyoe Yoshioka’s voice sounds great at times, dashing off suddenly just before the chorus kicks in like a particularly pretty hummingbird – but goes on way too long, reducing the good parts to rewound tape.

Movie looks kinda nice in an “I know exactly what will happen as I’ve seen many sports films before” kinda way. Unless it turns out like The Champ.

Sexy Zone “Sexy Zone”

WATCH TWO SLOW-LOADING VIDEOS HERE

Goddamn, I am not talking about Sexy Zone’s music, not when these teenagers act and pose like they do. I draw the line somewhere gang.

This week, James Hadfield wondered aloud if Sexy Zone were the “most ridiculously named idol group ever?” The initial gut feeling would be “yes” because c’mon, Sexy Zone…but Japan has plenty of terribly named pop outfits, and not just in regards to spelling and capitalization. One would expect the Johnny’s stable to feature a few other band-name clunkers…but for the most part, the current roster escapes unscathed save for the nonsensical Kis-my-ft2. Yet the past hides terrible things – in 2006, the label featured something called KITTY Gym which just sounds like a bad Penn State joke in the making. The Johnny’s Jr. subdivision holds even more horrors – you can tell Hip Hop Jump sucks by that moniker alone, while Little Gangs sounds like the Muppet Babies tacking The Wire. I’m not even going near former outfit Tap Kids, c’mon.

Actually, the AKB48 sub-units give Johnny’s a run for their shit-coated money, with stuff like no3b (No Sleeves uhhhhhhhhhhhh) and Natto Angel. Heck, this next group has a pretty dumb name…

FUNKY MONKEY BABYS “LOVE SONG”

OK, I’m about to make a big, dumb statement I will probably regret in two weeks but here it goes…

I would take a thousand AKB48s over a single FUNKY MONKEY BABYS.

AKB48 and their ilk make music that sounds virtually the same from song to song AND sounds terrible. Yet AKB48 have two things going for them – first, as mind numbing as they get, AKB songs can at least be danced to, even if it is a really creepy dance that gets most people put in the clink. Second, AKB48 strike me as a group that knows exactly what they are – they are a silly dinner-theater J-Pop outfit selling an image rather than a sound. FUNKY MONKEY BABYS make music that sounds virtually the same from song to song AND sounds terrible…while trying to pretend to be something they aren’t. People say they are hip-hop inspired, but they come off as hip-hop as a Honda Civic. Worse still, this stuff zombie-shuffles along, as fun as a group named FUNKY MONKEY BABYS would be. This trio…and the lot of imitators…might honestly be my least favorite sound in Japan. Give me a million “Heavy Rotations” over a single “LOVE SONG.”

Porno Graffitti “ゆきのいろ”

I think if you skip to around the 26-minute mark in the above clip you can hear this song. Let me assure you…it isn’t worth it.

Yusuke Kamiji “一笑懸命”

Man, I’m all for traditional Japanese instruments sneaking into pop music, but when your song sounds vaguely like “Maru Maru Mori Mori” without the cuteness of child actors and talking dogs, you’ve done something terribly wrong.

Winner Of The Week – Now I’m listening to “Maru Maru Mori Mori”which easily best any of these songs.